My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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