I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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