I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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