I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
