Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
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