Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
