Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
