I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
