On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
