I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
