My girlfriend figured out who you are.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
soo... how was my night?
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