Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
