He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
