he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
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