I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
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