theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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