So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
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