Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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