Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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