I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
