It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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