I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
