I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
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Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
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I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
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