I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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