also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
