When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
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