hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
