mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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