I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
