I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
