So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
