the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.