And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
21 People Reveal The Most Embarrassing Secrets They Know About Someone
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancĂ© called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...