i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
