The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
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She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
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That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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