I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
