Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
