he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
