I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
