wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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