get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
3pm strippers are depressing
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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