The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
