why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
