Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Randomize
