im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
