you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
