I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Randomize
