the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
