she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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