i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
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