So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
