im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
