WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
