your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
