Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
