I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Someone came in the potted fern
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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