Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize