I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
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I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
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I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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