I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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