nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
