Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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